It’s strange that as an agnostic with atheist tendencies, I believe that life happens the way it should. I guess a believer might call it fate. I’m not a fan of that word because it brings up too many religious connotations. I don’t even think there’s necessarily anything supernatural about it. Just that as much as I could (and have) tried to plan my life, what I think I’ll want and what I end up wanting don’t equal the same thing.
For example, if you asked me 10 years where I would be today, I doubt I would tell you that I would be an almost-widow living in North Carolina working part-time as a graphic designer in a long-distance relationship and would be happy with my life. Two years ago, I would have thought Mike’s death would destroy me–especially if you added having my hours at work cut back. Even three months ago, I wouldn’t tell you that I would be dating a friend of my ex-husband. I would have laughed in your face and told you I wouldn’t be dating ANYONE for a while. And I really believed that.
Now I realize that my new relationship, while completely unplanned and extremely unexpected, started exactly when it should have. If it had started even a few days earlier, I think it would be over already. I don’t feel any guilt over it like I was afraid of. Everyone I’ve spoken with has actually commented how THEY weren’t surprised about our relationship. The two of us in the relationship probably had enough surprise for everyone. Even Mike’s mother told me I had no reason to feel guilty. Her exact response was “Oh I LOVE him!” Of course, it’s still too early for ME to say that.
But I don’t believe Mike would be offended if I did. Numerous times he told me that he wanted me to move on and be happy with someone else. Again, it sounds crazy coming from a virtual atheist, but he came to me in a dream recently. I don’t know if it was actually him or if it was just my subconscious. Either way, I can’t remember much about the dream except that when I woke up, I just felt at peace. Mike was still dead in my dream. I remember talking to him in my dream and feeling like I was going crazy talking to someone who no longer existed. But everyone else in my dream could see him and talk to him as if he were still alive too. He didn’t look like he did when he died; he looked like he did before he got sick.
Even with all of the stress in my personal life, for some reason, when my boss told me work was slow and she didn’t have much for me to do, I wasn’t upset. I looked at it as a new opportunity. Time to think about what I really want. Time to look for a better job without feeling any guilt. Time to get back into working on my own work. And freelance work has just found its way to me. Out of the blue, I heard from a client I haven’t worked for in at least a year. I even heard about a full-time position at graphic design firm. I have an interview lined up for a position that sounds exactly like what I want to be doing: managing design projects. I wasn’t meant to stay at my current job. There’s something better just waiting around the corner.